Depression

I love to post Craig's lucid glory moments. They are my happiness. 

However, over past few years I have fallen deeper and deeper into depression as he slips further and further away. I have put on about 50 lbs. No kidding. 50. UGH. I am also slipping further and further away......somewhere Claudia got lost on this horrific journey.

Where did I go? 

When Craig lived outside the home I sought help with a psychologist. My weekly appointment has been a life saver. Working through all the grief over and over and over again. It keeps me sane, but sometimes I feel just barely sane. Sometimes I completely lose it. Not only crying but I can't relax in any setting, I have a difficult time concentrating on anything, Fybromyalgia has crept in and as I've posted before, I just want to SCREAM out my anger. Always a party!

I finally realized that I need to get out of the house. I need a regular outlet. I have to have time to myself, to find myself again before I implode. I love Craig so much, I am so obsessed with his care that I forget about myself; that we all need time for ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves we cannot take care of anyone else. Craig and I are highly  blessed by God with Craig's incredible caregivers. I need to let go and allow their completely capable hands to care for him and let me take care of me.

After much consideration of what I want to do, I finally chose horseback riding lessons. I used to love to ride like the wind as a teenager. It was unbelievably freeing. I never formally learned to ride a horse, nor did I know how to saddle a horse.  I am a bit fearful, but that's how the grief has manifested in me - fear (among other things). Perhaps because my biggest fear is of losing Craig. Inevitable, I am aware. But the fear is still there. 

I've had three lessons so far and am going to bump it up to several times a week. As my therapist explained to me as I vented my frustration with my learning curve, the grief makes learning new things fuzzy in my head. So it will be good for me to go more often; repetition will help a lot. I'm still fearful of this gentle giant, but getting a little better each time. I am finding muscles I forgot I had. Owee. I love my instructor - she's exactly what I need. She's very kind and patient but also firm in my training. Love it. Need it. I have met another woman my age there that was in almost my exact same place a year ago. She was overweight, depressed, had a lot of loss in her life and finally decided to pick up her bucket list and get her life back. Now her weight is way down - she looks extremely fabulous and is working toward her goal of competing with her horse she recently bought. She is my inspiration. I don't know if I'll ever have my own horse or ever compete, but I do want to be happy like she's become, have a personality again, be confident like she is on a horse, lose the fear, lose this weight and ride like she does. THERE IS HOPE!  God is so good........He provides everything we need, when we need it. I do believe I was led to this ranch and this instructor at this time.  As always, I am so GRATEFUL.

Me and Soupy. Sweet and gentle, a retired champion. I love this horse.

He loves me giving him a good scratch after a ride. 

We are having family and friends over for a BBQ today. The weather is going to be beautiful, the deck will be in full use and I'm praying Craig has a calm and lucid day so he can join us on the deck, be social, have some BBQ and enjoy the sunshine!

WISHING EVERYONE A VERY FUN AND SAFE INDEPENDENCE DAY TODAY!!