Lewy Decline, Self Care, and Horses

Over the past few weeks Craig is in more decline - of course. He slept a lot and is doing the "Lewy Lean", leaning to one side or the other like a rag doll. Rare responses and barely helping us to stand. I finally ordered a power Hoyer Lift when he can't help us stand or loses control of his legs in the middle of a transfer and we set him gently down on the floor. It has come in handy a few times. When he's alert he enjoys the ride.

The days of "I love you too" are gone. One day last week he had a very clear day and said it 3 times over the course of the day. Also proclaiming, "I'm coming back!" What a beautiful but heartbreaking day it was. I rejoiced in the moments.

Everything can change at any moment. Often throughout the day.

Personally, I'm trying to hold myself together with the decline and knowledge that he is dying.  I recently cut back the caregivers shift at night so I could have a little more time all to myself. I am up by 6:00am every morning to have my coffee, shower and to greet them by 8:00am and they leave around 8:30pm. Then I'm off to bed to get enough sleep. I have no time to just relax in our own home. Since Craig starts falling asleep on the sofa around 7pm, I decided it was a good time to start putting him to bed so I could have a little more time to myself before I had to get to bed. Self care. I'm trying so hard. It is hard to think of myself when Craig is in such a state. Inside I break into pieces daily. 

I am still in my weekly therapy sessions and still taking horse back riding lessons. Self care. 

My horse instructor was recently selling one of her horses. On Wednesday I was admiring her horse, Bueno, so sweet and gentle and soft and I made the comment how I'd love to have a horse of my own one day. It's been a silent dream of mine since childhood. She looked at me kind of stunned and said, "I have the perfect horse for you. I just put him up for sale last night. At this price he's gonna sell fast and I have a lady coming to look at him today. I can't believe I didn't think about you." I asked a lot of questions and everything seemed reasonable and do-able. Then I rode him, he is a really sweet horse. Then I asked the ranch owner what he thought because he tells it like he sees it. He said when he watches my lessons, when I relax and take control I have a really good seat. He said this horse would be a really good horse to train on to teach me to take control and then I can sell him for at least what I paid for him and if I want to continue, I could then buy a more advanced horse. He seemed to think I have a lot of potential. They are really good at matching horses with people - it's part of what they do. So I now own a horse. 

I wish Craig could see me now. He'd be my biggest cheerleader (even if it isn't in golf). With his loving encouragement I may have competed in reining one day. Right now I just don't know.... It's really hard moving forward without him... you have no idea. I miss him. I want him to share in this with me. I don't want to have to do it alone. I want to tell him all about it, have him come watch me, be excited for me and see him smile. 
I have to literally force myself to do this alone.

5 year old AQHA "Just Brody's Gold" aka: Raylan.
The meaning of Raylan is Counselor, Protector.
Just as Craig was to me.