Grief Stress

As Craig's disease plateau's now and again, and there isn't much to report - he's stable and doing alright! I would like to write about something that has become very close to my heart.  Family, spouses & friends of those with a terminal disease. Of course especially close to my heart, those with dementia. They don't even have to be the caregiver, but someone who cares. Those who have to watch their husband, wife, mother, father, sibling, son, grandparent, etc, slowly lose their mind and become someone they can barely or not even relate to. Someone who used to teach them life, skills, raised them, travel with, raise a family with, their best friend, guide, confidant and lover - gone but they are still living. Your life has been turned upside down and there is NOTHING you can do about it as hard as you try. You can not save them. 

We are utterly helpless.

Here comes grief...

The 5 stages of grief Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified in her book "On Death & Dying" are:

• Denial (this isn't happening, hope, etc.)
• Anger (there is so much to this stage it is hard to really label)
• Bargaining (what if, what if what if, and please God I'll do anything......)
• Depression (I don't care anymore, etc, etc, etc)
• Acceptance (reality)

I believe there is no set pattern for these emotional behaviors and/or reactions to our grief. I do agree that Acceptance is probably the last emotion felt. I believe that each of these stages are gone through many times, not just once as passing by on a journey, and not necessarily in this order, but over and over and over again AND simultaneously. Sometimes I get to the point of Acceptance and then I do a U-Turn with hope, then despair when hope fades. Depression seems like a constant. Round and round we all go......the INTENSE stress of watching our loved one change into someone we never knew and knowing that they are dying in slow motion, manifests in each of us differently. Grief-Stress. In myself a lot of this "grief-stress" has manifested and comes through as anxiety. Control comes through in other areas. I am also "stuck" in the Anger phase. I am so angry that I want to lash out at everyone for one thing or another. Somehow I am able to recognize this most times - however, I do slip occasionally and I do apologize to those who have or will experience my Grief-Stress. We are a very passionate breed. We can't just walk away from our loved one. Some people cope that way. We can't. And most of all, EACH DAY, EACH MOMENT IS IMMENSELY PAINFUL FOR US. 

My therapist calls it "Compassion Fatigue" and likens it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

We are grieving. We are stressed to the breaking point and back again like a bouncing ball ricocheting around a room.

All I ask is that when you encounter one of us in one of our masquerades of grief, please allow us some grace and forgiveness; please don't take it personally, please just smile with an understanding smile and maybe even a hug and let the incident go. We hurt. All the time. We need compassion, we need understanding and love to heal, to feel someone cares to keep from going crazy.

Because the pain and stress is so deep inside of us, so ingrained that most times we don't even realize if we are offending someone in some way. We are in despair and we are in denial. Round and round we go. A Pandora's box of emotion. We are just trying to survive our trauma. In a nutshell:  We are very fragile.

This is what I feel like inside - all the time.

Thank you for listening. I'll step down from my soap box for now.